Staff set off for Amazonian jungle with Bear Grylls, armed with health & safety law, fresh urine
A Yorkshire-based company has won the contract to provide health and safety services for TV danger man Bear Grylls, and will set off with him to Brazil this Saturday (1st April) on his latest death-defying adventure.
Business law experts Protecting.co.uk will be by the world-famous adventurer’s side 24/7 for the next three months as he attempts to discover a lost city of gold or – in his own words – “die trying”. Protecting.co.uk staff will be doing their level best to make sure that this does not happen on their watch, by mitigating risk and employing “best practice” in the field of health and safety.
This means that the company, firm believers in practising what it preaches, will follow Bear on his adventures to the world’s most dangerous wilderness, dispensing practical advice, and where necessary, drinking their own urine.
“This is a big opportunity for us,” said Protecting.co.uk spokesperson Mark Hall, “And Mr Grylls was doubly impressed by our willingness to follow him to the ends of the Earth, with only a handful of insects and a bottle of wee for sustenance.”
Amongst the advice already handed to Bear by Protecting.co.uk’s experts for his expedition – already named Operation Fool’s Gold – is:
• Waterproof directions on the handling of Bear’s famous “drinking urine”, which he has been sampling even before setting off
• Binding employment contracts of local staff, so that they don’t drop their loads and flee screaming for their mothers as soon as the team crosses into The Cursed Plateau Of Certain Death (with added dinosaurs)
• Further instructions on drinking other people’s urine
• Risk assessments when handling any cursed religious icons found on The Cursed Plateau of Certain Death (with added dinosaurs)
• Book-keeping and VAT calculations for the buying, selling and bartering of Bear Grylls Brand Drinking Urine
• Conflict-solving brainstorming when coming up against a rival expedition sent by a ruthless government to find an ancient relic that doubles up as a civilisation-ending super-weapon
• Devising a fair system of deciding who gets eaten first should the worst come to the worst (Protecting.co.uk prefers a rock-paper-scissors tournament, best out of three)
“As you can see, we’ve already been busy making sure that this trip will be a success,” says Hall. “And I’d like to go myself, but – you know – doctor’s orders. Gammy leg.”
Chosen to represent Protecting for Operation Fool’s Gold will be intrepid duo Sid Bremner, aged 57 and a veteran of employment law; and Julia “Mad Jools” Stevens, who was once in the Army Cadets.
Sid Bremner: “It’s always been a dream of mine to go on a trip like this. I’ve worked up through office work, accountancy, banking and business law. Now I’m ready to make the not-so-big leap to Amazon adventurer. I’ve bought a new cagoule and a waterproof cover for my clipboard, and my birthday experience as a zoo keeper might come in handy!”
Julia Stevens: “Bring it on. I’ve seen Jurassic Park, where’s my electric cattle prod?”
Mark Hall: “We have two office vacancies. Apply today.”
Bear Grylls: “This is good stuff. Anyone want a sip?”
Protecting.co.uk waves off its intrepid duo this Saturday (1st April) from Heathrow Airport as they begin their one-way trip into certain death, but Mark Hall says their sacrifice won’t be in vain.
“They’ll be taking the important issue of workplace health and safety to virgin territory in South America, and that’s very important to us.
“Virgin territory, where people fall off ladders, plug themselves into mains electricity, or get eaten by as-yet undiscovered species of dinosaur, simply because they haven’t carried out sufficient risk assessments. Sid and Julia are doing God’s work.”
Not only that, it’s a total privilege to be working alongside Bear Grylls as he takes 500 gallons of freshly-bottled wee up the Amazon and into legend.
“Whatever happens, we hope they have a WEE-ly great time!!”